Posts Tagged ‘Empowered multiplicity’

Dating (Oh the humanity!/sarcasm) Someone Who is Multiple.

Eris here. We decided to create our own dating guide for singlets dating a multiple.

We are currently dating another system, which is fine. We don’t need to explain ourselves, or feel like we have to justify ourselves. We also don’t need to worry about feeling like we’re crazy. Of course, dating anyone is hard. We have the same sorts of issues that crop up, just like any singlet couple. We’ve been curious to see if any other systems date, so we googled it. Well, that was a mistake. All we’ve found are wonderful “tips” on dating someone with “DID”, with the same stereotypical misconceptions that permeate the community.  Or people wondering about if sleeping with another resident is “cheating”. Or wondering about “The kinky alter”. *Face Door, when face palm is not enough*

So, inspired, I’ve decided to create a dating guide for singlets dating multiples.

  • First things first. Don’t ask stupid questions. Don’t try to figure out what kind of terrible, horrible trauma your SO has been through. Maybe there was none. Maybe they weren’t involved in horrendous child abuse. Don’t try to get the juicy, gritty details if they were. If they were, respect them and their space. Don’t hound them. It’s disrespectful.
  • Don’t assume that they need a therapist. Don’t assume that they have some tragic unlocked memories of child abuse. You know what they say about assumptions. They make an ass out of you. Just because you took a psych class or watched Sybil or The Three Faces of Eve does not mean that you know more about your SO’s multiplicity than your SO does. If she is in therapy, that does not mean she is in therapy for being multiple. We’re in therapy that has nothing to do with our multiplicity.
  • Don’t, don’t, don’t, DON’T GO ON SOME HELP SITE BAWWWWWWWWLING TO STRANGERS OVER THE INTERNET ABOUT IT. Why? Because they will give you the same regurgitated nonsense they learned in some psych class. Want to learn how to deal with it? Ask your SO. Talk to his/her residents, and make an effort to know them. People on the internet don’t know your SO. They won’t give you anything more than that stigmatizing mumbo jumbo that everyone accepts as fact. This could very well not be the case, especially if your SO is a natural multiple.
  • Don’t treat all of the residents as less than they are. That means treating them as the valid people they are. Frankly, this worries me should B(Our partner) and Air break up. Then we have to worry about this all over again. I’m quite hard-headed, and won’t stand for someone treating me as some sort of figment, or “tumor”, as our room-mate put it in jest, needing integration.
  • Don’t baby us. For Christ’s sake, don’t act like we’re stupid. If you insult our intelligence, hope to the gods that the resident isn’t like me, because I would chew you a new asshole. I would not tolerate your shenanigans. (Isis’s note- I may act more childish, but I’m not fucking stupid.  Don’t judge the resident on how they act. Ask questions. Don’t assume because they have a high pitched voice and are easily amused that it’s because they’re a kid. They could be an adult, and could rip you a new one for assuming they’re not)
  • Don’t assume that everything is a result of their multiplicity. We also see this with women(PMS), and Bi-polar. If they get mad, angry, hurt, scared, ect, don’t assume it’s “A new “alter” emerging (Air’s comment: A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES!), or that he/she is splitting, dissociating, or having a flashback. Maybe you pissed your SO off? Did you think of that before blaming his/her multiplicity? Not every emotional reaction has to do with another resident. Some days Air get’s mad at B, or annoyed at him, but he doesn’t sit there and blame it on me. (Frankly, if he did, he’d have a whole system pissed off even worse, and he knows it 😉 ) Your SO has valid emotions, and don’t write them off because YOU think you know what’s going on.
  • Don’t try to pigeonhole us. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone has a “Kinky alter”. Also, if you have a resident who is into more… diverse tastes, don’t assume that is the only thing they’re there for. Don’t use them for sex. They have feelings, just as you do. Hell, I’m into different kinks, but that doesn’t mean I go off screwing whoever or doing whatever. I don’t even sleep with everyone in the other system. I have one mate, and he and I keep it monogamous. The ones who like sex aren’t toys for your pleasure so you can feel like your sleeping with someone else, or a free and easy way to cheat on the frontrunner. And yes, I do consider this cheating, as sure as if you were sleeping with someone outside the body. Unless there is some kind of agreement on who you are able to sleep with, it’s wrong. Which brings me to the next point:
  • Don’t coax a resident, ESPECIALLY a child resident, into sex. It’s still sex with a child, even if your SO is not a child physically. It’s wrong. Don’t think you can get away with it. If you bring out that child specifically to use him/her for sex, you are disturbed. It’s abusive, and you are a rapist. congratulations, seek help.
  • Same goes for other residents. Don’t try to force them into sex.
  • Don’t try to force your SO into therapy if they are functioning. Be aware that therapy carries a heavy burden, and could get your SO put in a mental hospital against his/her will, should he/she admit to being multiple. If you don’t want your SO to end up living one of the many horror stories we’ve heard about forced hospitalization (Read The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls by Emilie Autumn for one such story.), then I don’t suggest trying to force her into therapy if he/she doesn’t want it, simply on the basis of being multiple.
  • Don’t assume because they don’t have all of the crap associated with “DID” that they are faking it. Erase that Sybil nonsense from your head. Don’t accuse them of doing it for attention. They already get that enough from all sides of the debate, and it’s not helping them.
  • Don’t try to psycho-analyze them, or study them. Air made this stupid error of judgment somewhat, before she knew about me. Granted, her reaction was more of fascination, and wanted to show people how wrong they were with regards to multiplicity. However, it was embarrassing. (Like I said, n00b) Don’t do this. Our SO took it in stride, and was probably happy that it was a far more benign reaction than it could have been. However, don’t pry, don’t try to say, “Well so and so is a result of…”. It’s ignorant. Thankfully, after the initial child-like wonderment, Air pretty much accepted it, and moved on. Of course, she met me shortly after, as well.

Now moving on to Air’s list of Do’s. She spent some time as a “singlet” before she realized we were here, so she can create a good guide.


Now, what you should do while dating a person who is multiple.-Air’s guide

  • Treat members of the system as people(Because they are). Call them by their names, should they ask you to, and make an effort to get to know them. Once you get out of the mindset that they’re not people, it’s pretty easy. A week after meeting the first alter(Boyfriend uses this term), I’d gotten all they’re names down, and talked to them individually. I’d even been able to tell them apart pretty easily. It was a bit strange at first, but not overwhelmingly so. It was different. I think what made me stand out from his other “singlet” partners(Before I was aware that I was multiple and was living as a singlet, that is) is that I had treated them all as people, not as some roleplaying game, or anything like that. Tyger, the “Scary scary eeeeebbbbbiiiilllll” alter had even said this. He was not fond of anyone else because they thought he was part of some game. How would you feel, if you were never taken seriously? Same goes with the others in his system. It’s why we’ve been dating for over a year. If I had decided to act like a moron about it, I doubt I would be writing this now.
  • Get to know them. That means learning about them. Have a conversation with them. It’s like meeting your SO’s family, except a little more nerve-wracking because they share head space. Try to make a good impression. Again, this goes back to the Don’ts in Eris’s list.
  • If you get into a disagreement with anyone, try to deal with it civilly, in a reasonable manner. Ask if your SO can help intervene and get them to talk to you. If you have done something to offend someone, work it out like if you were dealing with any other inter-personal relationships. It’s not that different, the only difference is being in the same body.
  • Treat everyone with respect. This is a biggie in any relationship. Treat those in your SOs system with the same respect that you would with your SOs outer family.
  • Communicate.
  • Anything that is proper in singlet relationships, it’s the same with multiple relationships.  You don’t have to be best friends with everyone in the system, but you do have to treat them with dignity and respect. Don’t think you can get away with any kind of mistreatment because your SO is a multiple. It doesn’t work that way.
  • Ask your SO for help with telling people apart, names, and whatnot. It can be a bit confusing at first, but it will get a lot easier.
  • If one of their residents is abusive towards YOU, don’t tolerate it. Make sure you inform your SO about it, and if they refuse to talk to the resident, or do anything about it, then don’t just sit there and take it. Do whatever you have to. Make sure your being treated with respect as well. Being multiple does not excuse abusive behavior.
  • Talk about sex, and what is OK and what is not. Make sure you know what the boundaries are. Talk about what happens in certain awkward situations, like dealing with children and what not.
  • Trust your partner.

And I think that covers the basics. I know there is another good guide, better than this one, on Amorpha’s Collective Phenomenon, by Azusa, Anthea and Shiu. Go there for a very awesome collection of anything healthy multiplicity. They were the first we’d ever read, and they’re simply amazing. Go check it out!



A Message to Violent Residents and Their Systems.

For violent residents,

I have been there. I have been the one who put the body at risk for harm. I almost put a hand through a car window. I am still an insomniac. I still become triggered. I am still a bloody mess.

You do not have to live that way. You are family. No matter how you came about, you have people there to help you. You can work together to make sure you do not end up in a mental hospital. They’ve not changed since the Victorian Era. You also have those damned psychologists who make it seem like you have to fit into some role, people see you as batty because you are not alone in your own head, or because you have been through horrors that no person should go through. I remember when I could not speak a word, and would lash out at others in the system. I would have ended up harming the body and others, if I had the chance. However, I had so much support from others in the system, and from some outsiders as well. I made an effort to change. Now, I am not perfect. I still have very bad days, but I have good days, as well. You can change, too. I believe that. It is not going to happen over night. It is going to take time and patience on behalf of yourself and your system. You may feel alone, scared, and helpless. You may even feel worthless. However, you are not. I know I thought those sort of things about myself. You just need to work through it, any way you can. You will get through it.


For those with violent residents.

Celeste came around last year. In a role play class, we had to work with masks, and look in a mirror and act. I remember that day clearly. I remember looking in the mirror and feeling like I was not in control anymore. Eris and Isis were in the background, monitoring, and making sure that everything was kept in check. Nothing happened, and we’ve never had an incident of self harm with her. We were afraid of her, and she was impossible to communicate with.

We were unsure of what to do. Then we talked to her. We were finally able to get her to communicate. We found out why she was so fucked up. And we were able to help. She’s part of our family now. You don’t have to fear the violent ones, if you have them. They’re part of your family, too. Give them the same understanding as you would with your outer family. They have their own stories, their own history. They’re still people, and they may frighten and frustrate you, but you can try to talk to them.

I know, it sounds preachy or whatever, but it’s upsetting to see so many people who have this kind of problem. It’s upsetting to see our family not considered people, not worthy of help. It’s sad. One of the reasons we started this blog was so people who are multiple don’t need to feel like they’re crazy, and that no one gets it. There are a lot more of us out there. Hopefully soon, People won’t see you as a freak, or feel like one either.


What We’re All About

Well, this has been a long time coming. The others and I have been debating, and we all decided now is the time, especially seeing that extremely irritating “special look into the life of someone with DID” on Discovery Health. It was utter contrived bullshit. Bullshit, I tell you, like watching Sybil all over again. So, you want to know what it’s like for someone who is multiple? Well, it’s not that different from being a singlet. We all have our separate identities, names, places of origin, age, ect. We have no stereotypical “roles”, and we aren’t static caricatures of people. We are people. How hard is that to understand? There isn’t a serial killer, or a temptress, or a “Protector”, or any of that nonsense.  It’s just us, and what we are. We were not the result of abuse. I’ve been the other voice inside the “Host’s” head for years. Yes, we’ve been abused, long past the age where our psyche would have “split”. I’ve been around for years, long before anything happened. The more recent walk-ins  may have been late to the party, but it doesn’t make them less of a person or co-owner of the body. Now, before I get any further into ranting territory, We should probably introduce ourselves a bit. Here is a bit of info on the members of the system:

I am Eris. I chose the name because she was the more interesting of the Greek Goddesses. For those who believe in the spiritual aspects as we do, I do not claim myself as the Goddess in any way, shape, or form. I just like the name. Anyway, I am the more domineering of the ones who live here, and am sometimes the one who gives advice, though gods know how many times I’ve needed advice from others in the system. I generally have a temper, though I’ve been managing it far better. I love writing, music, smoking cigarettes, and generally being alone. I do deal well with some people, but I’m not exactly a social butterfly. I tend to keep most closed off  from my other sides, so most would stereotype me as “The Angry Protector”, or “The Temptress”. However, I’m far too hotheaded for a protector, and I’m quite monogamous, thank you very much. I am a grammar fascist, and I try to use proper English and grammar at all times, and generally lay off the cursing much more than the others in the system. I am also not the “core”, or the one who is out more, but I’m the one to start us off in this little venture. I generally speak slower, and have a lower voice.

The next in our system is the “main”, Air(Not her real name). Air is a typical college student, who goes to class, does papers, and has many friends, a steady long-term relationship, and happens to have us floating around her mind. She’s been through a lot of rough stuff, but generally keeps her chin up about everything. Sometimes she’s a stress case, but being an English major isn’t easy. Her friends are all aware of us, and some of us have met her friends and introduced ourselves. She’s had a pretty easy time coming out as, among other things, a multiple, as well as a pansexual and gender neutral person. So coming out as “fringe” in society isn’t all that difficult for her. She’s taken everything in stride. Plus, being around people who understand helps a lot.

Isis, AKA the impish one, is childlike, and the closest thing to a child that we have in the system. That being said, she is certainly not a child. She is an adult, though most perceive her as younger than she really is. Isis is also a given name, and it is only a nickname. Her real name is something that she keeps fairly private, and only myself and my partner know her true name. Aside from that fact, she is much more talkative than myself, and even Air. She is not shy about meeting anyone, and freely introduces herself a lot. She is warm and bubbly, generally going out of her way to help out others in the system. She has a higher pitched almost nasally voice, and speaks at a faster pace. She also bounces around when she’s excited. She’s our resident metal enthusiast, and is the only one in the system who can do death metal vocals. It’s quite a feat.  She’s a little out there, but all around, she is a good resident.

Our token male, Maahes, is never out. He’s quiet, and was a two-for-one with Isis, (Hence the Egyptian nicknames), and she is the only one he talks to on a regular basis. He doesn’t like being a male in a female body, so he prefers to stay in the background. He is generally off on his own, or talking with Isis.

Our newest, Celeste, is also quiet. Formally a more violent resident(We prefer the term Alter, simply because we have a host. We don’t use it to make us seem as somehow inferior, we just like the way it sounds. Not every system uses Alter.) , she has since reached out to communicate with the rest of us. She is British, and is a poet. Her favorite artist is Emilie Autumn, and she is from the Victorian Era. Generally soft-spoken, and only comes out around the partner. She will probably devote more time to writing poetry on here.

Anyway, that is our system. Now for a quick run-down.

What you will  most likely see on this blog.

Different viewpoints from the group

How we manage, our inner workings

Dealing with being “out”

Dealing with other issues, not related to being multiple, but that affect us.

Dealing with media and perceptions that are not accurate for us and other multiple systems out there.

Comments from the peanut gallery.

What you will NOT see.

Us being referred to as “broken, fractured, ect.” We are all people, we just have the same body.

Us using our situation as an excuse. We have personal responsibility, and the greater responsibility of having to take care and look out for others in our system. We keep tabs on everything, and make sure that no one does anything stupid. We live by a strict code, and we take responsibility for those in the system. No, we do not cheat, we do not commit crimes, ect. Don’t believe everything you see on TV.

Stereotypical Sybil bullshit. We don’t act like that. It actually insults us, a lot.

Integration. We are not doing it. None of us want to integrate, and aren’t even sure if we can. We are family, and after hearing about how we pretty much “die”, why would anyone want to go through that? Air is perfectly happy the way things are, and has been amazing with accepting the walk-ins, sharing body time, and making sure everyone has their needs met.

Any of the “leading” information on multiples. Almost every “expert” writing on multiples has no idea how we work, and how we function. One of the reasons we’ve started this is to show another view from someone who ACTUALLY has it, not people who think they know what they’re doing, or the extremely sensational cases (Such as the clusterfuck that was “The Women with 15 Personalities”.  More on that next time.)

Anyway, it is 3:18 AM. I believe this is a decent start.

~ Eris ~

*Edited for grammar, spelling, ECT.