Posts Tagged ‘Dating’

Dating (Oh the humanity!/sarcasm) Someone Who is Multiple.

Eris here. We decided to create our own dating guide for singlets dating a multiple.

We are currently dating another system, which is fine. We don’t need to explain ourselves, or feel like we have to justify ourselves. We also don’t need to worry about feeling like we’re crazy. Of course, dating anyone is hard. We have the same sorts of issues that crop up, just like any singlet couple. We’ve been curious to see if any other systems date, so we googled it. Well, that was a mistake. All we’ve found are wonderful “tips” on dating someone with “DID”, with the same stereotypical misconceptions that permeate the community.  Or people wondering about if sleeping with another resident is “cheating”. Or wondering about “The kinky alter”. *Face Door, when face palm is not enough*

So, inspired, I’ve decided to create a dating guide for singlets dating multiples.

  • First things first. Don’t ask stupid questions. Don’t try to figure out what kind of terrible, horrible trauma your SO has been through. Maybe there was none. Maybe they weren’t involved in horrendous child abuse. Don’t try to get the juicy, gritty details if they were. If they were, respect them and their space. Don’t hound them. It’s disrespectful.
  • Don’t assume that they need a therapist. Don’t assume that they have some tragic unlocked memories of child abuse. You know what they say about assumptions. They make an ass out of you. Just because you took a psych class or watched Sybil or The Three Faces of Eve does not mean that you know more about your SO’s multiplicity than your SO does. If she is in therapy, that does not mean she is in therapy for being multiple. We’re in therapy that has nothing to do with our multiplicity.
  • Don’t, don’t, don’t, DON’T GO ON SOME HELP SITE BAWWWWWWWWLING TO STRANGERS OVER THE INTERNET ABOUT IT. Why? Because they will give you the same regurgitated nonsense they learned in some psych class. Want to learn how to deal with it? Ask your SO. Talk to his/her residents, and make an effort to know them. People on the internet don’t know your SO. They won’t give you anything more than that stigmatizing mumbo jumbo that everyone accepts as fact. This could very well not be the case, especially if your SO is a natural multiple.
  • Don’t treat all of the residents as less than they are. That means treating them as the valid people they are. Frankly, this worries me should B(Our partner) and Air break up. Then we have to worry about this all over again. I’m quite hard-headed, and won’t stand for someone treating me as some sort of figment, or “tumor”, as our room-mate put it in jest, needing integration.
  • Don’t baby us. For Christ’s sake, don’t act like we’re stupid. If you insult our intelligence, hope to the gods that the resident isn’t like me, because I would chew you a new asshole. I would not tolerate your shenanigans. (Isis’s note- I may act more childish, but I’m not fucking stupid.  Don’t judge the resident on how they act. Ask questions. Don’t assume because they have a high pitched voice and are easily amused that it’s because they’re a kid. They could be an adult, and could rip you a new one for assuming they’re not)
  • Don’t assume that everything is a result of their multiplicity. We also see this with women(PMS), and Bi-polar. If they get mad, angry, hurt, scared, ect, don’t assume it’s “A new “alter” emerging (Air’s comment: A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES!), or that he/she is splitting, dissociating, or having a flashback. Maybe you pissed your SO off? Did you think of that before blaming his/her multiplicity? Not every emotional reaction has to do with another resident. Some days Air get’s mad at B, or annoyed at him, but he doesn’t sit there and blame it on me. (Frankly, if he did, he’d have a whole system pissed off even worse, and he knows it 😉 ) Your SO has valid emotions, and don’t write them off because YOU think you know what’s going on.
  • Don’t try to pigeonhole us. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone has a “Kinky alter”. Also, if you have a resident who is into more… diverse tastes, don’t assume that is the only thing they’re there for. Don’t use them for sex. They have feelings, just as you do. Hell, I’m into different kinks, but that doesn’t mean I go off screwing whoever or doing whatever. I don’t even sleep with everyone in the other system. I have one mate, and he and I keep it monogamous. The ones who like sex aren’t toys for your pleasure so you can feel like your sleeping with someone else, or a free and easy way to cheat on the frontrunner. And yes, I do consider this cheating, as sure as if you were sleeping with someone outside the body. Unless there is some kind of agreement on who you are able to sleep with, it’s wrong. Which brings me to the next point:
  • Don’t coax a resident, ESPECIALLY a child resident, into sex. It’s still sex with a child, even if your SO is not a child physically. It’s wrong. Don’t think you can get away with it. If you bring out that child specifically to use him/her for sex, you are disturbed. It’s abusive, and you are a rapist. congratulations, seek help.
  • Same goes for other residents. Don’t try to force them into sex.
  • Don’t try to force your SO into therapy if they are functioning. Be aware that therapy carries a heavy burden, and could get your SO put in a mental hospital against his/her will, should he/she admit to being multiple. If you don’t want your SO to end up living one of the many horror stories we’ve heard about forced hospitalization (Read The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls by Emilie Autumn for one such story.), then I don’t suggest trying to force her into therapy if he/she doesn’t want it, simply on the basis of being multiple.
  • Don’t assume because they don’t have all of the crap associated with “DID” that they are faking it. Erase that Sybil nonsense from your head. Don’t accuse them of doing it for attention. They already get that enough from all sides of the debate, and it’s not helping them.
  • Don’t try to psycho-analyze them, or study them. Air made this stupid error of judgment somewhat, before she knew about me. Granted, her reaction was more of fascination, and wanted to show people how wrong they were with regards to multiplicity. However, it was embarrassing. (Like I said, n00b) Don’t do this. Our SO took it in stride, and was probably happy that it was a far more benign reaction than it could have been. However, don’t pry, don’t try to say, “Well so and so is a result of…”. It’s ignorant. Thankfully, after the initial child-like wonderment, Air pretty much accepted it, and moved on. Of course, she met me shortly after, as well.

Now moving on to Air’s list of Do’s. She spent some time as a “singlet” before she realized we were here, so she can create a good guide.

-Eris

Now, what you should do while dating a person who is multiple.-Air’s guide

  • Treat members of the system as people(Because they are). Call them by their names, should they ask you to, and make an effort to get to know them. Once you get out of the mindset that they’re not people, it’s pretty easy. A week after meeting the first alter(Boyfriend uses this term), I’d gotten all they’re names down, and talked to them individually. I’d even been able to tell them apart pretty easily. It was a bit strange at first, but not overwhelmingly so. It was different. I think what made me stand out from his other “singlet” partners(Before I was aware that I was multiple and was living as a singlet, that is) is that I had treated them all as people, not as some roleplaying game, or anything like that. Tyger, the “Scary scary eeeeebbbbbiiiilllll” alter had even said this. He was not fond of anyone else because they thought he was part of some game. How would you feel, if you were never taken seriously? Same goes with the others in his system. It’s why we’ve been dating for over a year. If I had decided to act like a moron about it, I doubt I would be writing this now.
  • Get to know them. That means learning about them. Have a conversation with them. It’s like meeting your SO’s family, except a little more nerve-wracking because they share head space. Try to make a good impression. Again, this goes back to the Don’ts in Eris’s list.
  • If you get into a disagreement with anyone, try to deal with it civilly, in a reasonable manner. Ask if your SO can help intervene and get them to talk to you. If you have done something to offend someone, work it out like if you were dealing with any other inter-personal relationships. It’s not that different, the only difference is being in the same body.
  • Treat everyone with respect. This is a biggie in any relationship. Treat those in your SOs system with the same respect that you would with your SOs outer family.
  • Communicate.
  • Anything that is proper in singlet relationships, it’s the same with multiple relationships.  You don’t have to be best friends with everyone in the system, but you do have to treat them with dignity and respect. Don’t think you can get away with any kind of mistreatment because your SO is a multiple. It doesn’t work that way.
  • Ask your SO for help with telling people apart, names, and whatnot. It can be a bit confusing at first, but it will get a lot easier.
  • If one of their residents is abusive towards YOU, don’t tolerate it. Make sure you inform your SO about it, and if they refuse to talk to the resident, or do anything about it, then don’t just sit there and take it. Do whatever you have to. Make sure your being treated with respect as well. Being multiple does not excuse abusive behavior.
  • Talk about sex, and what is OK and what is not. Make sure you know what the boundaries are. Talk about what happens in certain awkward situations, like dealing with children and what not.
  • Trust your partner.

And I think that covers the basics. I know there is another good guide, better than this one, on Amorpha’s Collective Phenomenon, by Azusa, Anthea and Shiu. Go there for a very awesome collection of anything healthy multiplicity. They were the first we’d ever read, and they’re simply amazing. Go check it out!

http://www.dreamshore.net/amorpha/so-faq.html

-Air

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