Archive for May 12, 2010

On Therapy and Survivorship

As I have stated before, I’m in therapy, for a variety of reasons. There is really nothing wrong with that. I see both a psychiatrist and psychologist. For me, it’s helpful for my issues. I’m diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and ADD. I am on Adderal for the ADD, and am not taking anything else for the other disorders. However, I have not talked to my therapist at all about my multiplicity. I’ve been told I should get a “Proper Diagnosis”, but I don’t think I want to bring it up. It would be nice to have Celeste and Eris be able to work out some of their own issues with a therapist, but of course, I’d rather not deal with the fallout from it. I wonder what would happen if I brought it up, and could convince him that the DSM is not accurate in regards to multiplicity. I think a step towards fixing the problem of being labeled unstable is to get therapists on our side. I don’t know how to do that, without the fear of being put in a mental hospital, or at the very least being labeled crazy.

My therapist is actually a pretty awesome guy. He listens to me, and helped me get past my emotionally and sexually abusive relationship, which is where a lot of my issues come from. (Aside from the ADD). Of course, you can’t be dependent on a therapist. You need to work on things yourself too, and you can’t go to your therapist with every little thing. (Like when my mom brings up my slight freak out the other week, even though it was because I was stressed and tired because life was being a bitch, and I didn’t feel that it was a problem) Sometimes you just need to deal with life. Honestly, you shouldn’t be absolutely dependent on anyone, because it can be really unhealthy.

There’s nothing wrong with therapy, as long as it helps you. There is also nothing wrong with medications if they help. Hell, Adderal has been a big help, not only for helping me focus, but because of my chronic fatigue, which made me live life in a fog for a good 3 years. Medications aren’t a cure-all, but they can help a lot. The only problem with therapy is if you rely on it to fix all of your problems. You can’t just think therapy or medications will fix everything. Life doesn’t exactly work that way. Life is difficult, and they best way to get through it is to live.

In regards to my multiplicity and therapy, we’ve all talked about the pros and cons of bringing it up. Eris has wanted to work on anger management, and Celeste has a lot of issues to deal with that she feels like getting help for. However, we’ve come to the same impasse, which is what would happen if we brought it up. If he treated Eris and Celeste as people, not as fragments of my personality, then if they chose, they could get help. However, the more likely response might be that he thinks I’m just crazy, and need medication, or you know, a padded cell. I’ve brought it up in a general sense, and I couldn’t gauge his response at all. I even brought up healthy multiplicity, and he really didn’t say much. So for now, it’s probably not something we are going to bring up. However, if anyone has a good way to broach the subject, that’d be awesome.

Also, moving on from that. A lot of people get the wrong impression that empowered multiples are anti-survivor. We’re not. I’m starting up a sexual assault support group at my university, and I have the utmost respect for survivors. You can be empowered and abused in the past. I was. I went through emotional and verbal abuse, as well as sexual abuse. I’ve been triggered by shit on TV, I’ve had panic attacks, the works. My ex threatened to send someone to put me in the hospital, and I am still uncomfortable around my neighborhood sometimes. However, a lot of survivors get stuck in a victim mindset, and can’t get past that. I was co-dependent, and took the asshole back, not once but twice, and let him play mind games with me. He shouldn’t have, and it’s his fault that he’s an abusive piece of shit, but I was also so in love with him that I couldn’t see it. It took a massive wake up call for me to finally realize what a piece of shit he was. No one has the right to hurt and abuse you, and when you recover, it’s hard as shit. I still have some bad days. But becoming dependent on therapy isn’t going to help get your life back. Therapy can help, but like everything else, it’s not a cure all. To get your life back, you need to make an effort and say I am not going to be a statistic, I am going to show that bastard that he lost.(Or she, women can be abusers as well. Either way, it’s wrong) It takes a lot, and there are days when I brood and dwell on it, but I’m fine most days. I found a lot of joy in life, despite having baggage. I write, I listen to music, sing, and I work at helping others. It takes a lot of work, but it’s possible. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. Whatever it takes to get back to living, do it.

The biggest help has actually come from my friends and partner. I’ve been able to talk to them, and it helps a hell of a lot.

Anyway, that’s my piece. To any survivors out there, you guys are strong as hell, even if you don’t realize it.